Over a month

I moved just over a month ago. How do I feel? Proud. 

Although I did have plenty of moments when I questioned what I had gotten myself into, I am feeling a lot more confident about where things are headed. Not only do Evan and I love each other and all that romantic business, we're pretty great roommates. This is especially good news because we don't have a dishwasher! For someone who is OCD, having someone take part in cleaning is essential! Haha! 

I have a job working for Autozone's corporate offices filing papers and whatnot while one woman is on maternity leave. It's not where I want to continue to work forever, but a full-time job at a decent starting wage is wonderful. I make my share of the rent in a week. That is spectacular to me. It's until the end of May. By mid-April, I should be doing a few projects here and there for Urban again. It'll eventually turn into a more regular part-time gig. Not to mention that more business have been looking over my resume in the past week! I have an interview after work next week. Hopefully, I can work a few hours for them at night or during the weekend. It's at a retail store, which will help me save money on business wear!

Also, my car doesn't act up anymore and I'm getting better at making real meals! These may not seem like huge deals to some people, but it makes me feel like an actual adult. Relying on myself and small successes add up to a new kind of confidence. 

Everything is falling into place. I love it. 

I'm trying really hard not to freak out. What have I done now? It's also not great that I'm a naturally paranoid person. I don't even feel like cleaning.

I can feel myself lashing out for no reason. I don't know what to do with myself anymore. I'm so impatient, and I am starting to feel stuck. I hate this feeling. I don't want it to affect other aspects of my life. I think it's already starting to. I hate this feeling.

Job Hunt

I'm a little discouraged already. I don't think anyone told me how to find a job. Just to get one. I know how to have an awesome resume. Got that. I know (for the most part) how to act in an interview. Thank you improv. I know how to dress and how to properly shake someone's hand. But what I don't know is how to find one. I am looking to find one in Memphis for when I move, but I'm not very good at figuring out what websites to look at or which ones to trust or what job titles I should be typing in. I'm nervous. I'm nervous that I'm not going to be able to find anything. It's hard when I'm not in there and I don't really know what's available to me there, ya know? I don't know the companies or anything. I'll learn of course, but that doesn't make me any less scared. I hate not being able to hold my own. I think that's what's the most frustrating about this time in my life. I am at a crossroads where I need to get my foot in the door, but I can't seem to find that damn door.
Maybe I'm getting ahead of myself. I don't like not having a plan. A trapeze artist with no net. I suppose I'm taking a bigger leap than I anticipated.

OCD

A lot of people make jokes about being OCD and I always kind of went along with those jokes because I usually do one of two things when I'm confronted with things I don't fully understand. I get angry or I turn it into comedy. It makes it easier to understand. But it can also make it more confusing. I've been watching A LOT of glee lately and I really loved one character in particular, Emma. For those of you who do not watch the show, she's a quirky big-eyed woman who wears adorable fifties inspired clothing. I love it. I also identify with her because of her again--quirky nature. Her "quirks" were highlighted in a specific episode, and she had to identify herself as OCD. And I realized that although her issue was dramatized for the purpose of the show, it can be debilitating. I never thought of it as that harmful before. Once I began thinking about it, it's hit me that my own OCD has been affecting me negatively. Sometimes I can't go to sleep because my desk isn't neat enough or I have to write a list before I do pretty much anything now or how I can't put socks back on after I've taken them off even if it's been 10 seconds. I'm worried that I'm getting worse. It probably because I'm near my mom more and she sets off a lot of my control issues and my guilt about not tidying things. I'm worried that my OCD issues is becoming my strange addiction. There is a difference. There's a difference between me feeling compelled to alphabetize my DVDs and making a habit of washing my hands at least once an hour.

I told myself at the beginning of this year that I would start talking to a therapist. I think it's about time I did that.

Unpopular Opinion Challenge

1. A selection of television programs you do not care for.

Jersey Shore, South Park, Two and a half men

2. A selection of musical artists you do not care for. 

Ke$ha, Pit Bull, Creed, Pink, the Eagles

3. A selection of celebrities you couldn’t care less about.

Kardashians, Donald Trump, Paris Hilton, mainly celebrities that are famous for being famous.

4. A hobby you “don’t get”.

Drinking and parkour

5. A habit you find disgusting.

Smoking cigarettes

6. Something in school you really liked doing that everyone else bitched over.

Math

7. Your favorite household chore.

General tidying up/organizing!

8. Popular video games that make you go “meh”.

Most of them. Halo, etc.

9. PC or MAC?

PC for home, MAC for working. No particular reason why

10. A sport you don’t like, for whatever reason.

Football

11. A sport you really like, for whatever reason.

Winterguard, soccer, TENNIS.

12. Television programs you love but have gotten shit for liking.

Hannah Montana, Say Yes to the Dress, Once Upon a Time, most of the shows I watch...

13. Musical artists you love but have gotten shit for liking.

Jason Mraz, Katy Perry, BSB, again, most of the musical artists I enjoy...

14. A hobby you have/find interesting that other people bother you over/make fun of.

Puzzles. I don't know what else.

15. A habit you have that other people bug you over.

Over-analyzing (particularly movies and tv shows)

16. Something in school you hating doing and it felt like everyone else loved.

School dances

17. The household chore that makes you want to shoot your own face off.

Almost anything that has to do with bugs

18. A selection of video games that you enjoy that perhaps you really shouldn’t.

New super mario, Yoshi Story, Drake & Josh for the DS

19. A celebrity crush that maybe even you don’t understand.

I don't know if I have one of those. I have plenty of celebrity crushes, but I understand why for each one.

20. Free rant on whatever grinds your gears at the moment.

Uh, pass?

Let's be strange, let's be confused, let's make mistakes, let's dance like loons.

Drake Bell

I've been painting a lot lately (walls, not canvases) and therefore a lot of music. I've found myself listening to a lot of Drake Bell. I can't find any of his new stuff on itunes or anywhere, only youtube :/ Anyway, the next time he tours, I'M GOING. I love his pop/classic rock n roll style. Probably because I grew up listening to Elvis... Whatever. I really dig him.

Forever Stressed.

I had a job interview today. My first official one ever. I know that this normally happens when you're seventeen in the back of a store, but I never had the time in high school. I was always too busy with all the extra-curriculars and lack of car. Now, I'm 22 and finally doing it. I am really hopeful, but also scared to death that I won't get it. Or what if I do and mess it up horribly. Not that I think the latter will happen. I'm pretty boss at event planning and basic office work. According to the girls at JJ, I'm a quick learner. I agree. For the most part. I hope that I don't jinx this.
I am frustrated about something else. My mom was updating her phone and I decided to play freecell. Apparently, I screwed it all up and she had to start over. All my fault? I don't believe that, but I should have not even touched her laptop. At least when she freaked out, I was smart enough to go upstairs and not get in a fight. At least tonight. Good grief. If it's not one thing...
My mom and I were doing really well. We haven't been getting into many fights, but that's mainly do to the fact that whenever she drinks around me, we are normally watching Drop Dead Diva and I don't have to communicate with her much. We got to involved in the show to talk about much else. I thought we were getting better. I hope it's true. It's exhausting constantly getting into tiffs about insignificant things. I'm tired of the hate that still won't dissapate.

Anyway. If I do get the job, it's basically a paid internship for 3 months which would be great. I would love to move in with Evan after that and see if I can handle being a grown-up for real. I want to challenge myself and see what I can really do. Kate did it. She didn't have a lot of money for a while and really relied on what she had. She was blessed enough to get the job at JJ and now she's a baller. I hope I can prove myself in the same way. Like Harry Potter, we're all just trying to prove ourselves.

Hey Evan! I'm updating my blog. ;)

Dinosaur

I'm writing on my laptop for the first time in months. It's falling apart. It thought it was 2008...I guess it's trying to go back to its childhood. Anyway, I found this (unfinished) poem from my ancient and medieval class on it. Enjoy. 

Early Morning Art History

Where rich culture of ancient cities turn into

                Droning rambles in a foreign dialect

Lights dimmed just enough to feel the weight

                Of the previous nights work.

Low grumbles issue out of the lips of

                The lanky rebel to my left

Shit and fuck inked on either leg.

                Deep shadows from the spotlight above

Blanket the harshness of the words.

                Interrupted by dark hairs underneath the desk.

Unconsiously checking the time

                Minute by minute

The screen illuminating the pixels on the miniscule screen

                Still more time left.

Tick tick.

                Enticing me to daydream, Julius Caesar is

Assassinated.

                Nobody cares.

The world could be destroyed

                But to us, the dust dancing by the lightbulb

Is more mesmerizing.

                Doodles become our only friends.

Heart to heart

"In my room crying cause I didn't want to be a burden
Watch mama open up her arms to hug me
And I ain't worried bout a damn thang, with unconditional love"

Tonight, my mom and I had an unconventional heart-to-heart. It's funny how much you can feel about one person. I told her for the first time how I felt since childhood. I never wanted to be a burden. I hope she understands how difficult it was to say it.

From "The Help"

"Mississippi is like my mother. I am allowed to complain about her all I want, but God help the person who raises an ill word about her around me, unless she is their mother too."

That is how I felt while I was in California and everyone was telling me how great California is compared to Georgia.
That is also how I feel about my mother.

"I feel a rush of inexplicable relief. I feel like I've heard something from the future."

Resumes Suck.

I hate working on my resume. I honestly do. I think it has to do with facing the reality of no longer becoming a student. It's very tempting to sign up for winter classes at a technical school or something (not to mention keeping my parents insurance for a little while longer). I do feel a bit trapped here, and want to be earning money so I can pay off debt for my student loans and my mom. Besides, I like buying professional clothes. It makes me feel like i'm one step closer to working in a museum.
My resume also takes all the fun out of what I've been doing the past 4+ years. Thankfully, after working on it for a bit today, I decided to go through my facebook to see if employers would/could find anything unsavory. Besides other people holding up beer bottles and one photo of me in my underwear backstage of a dance show, nothing remotely "bad." Instead, I was reminded of how much FUN I've had. It's been a blast. I love being crazy, working hard, and doing things my weird, OCD way. So, dear future employer, get ready for me. I'm a force to be reckoned with.

I'm beginning to look the part, and I can act it, let's see if I become it.

Prison Wives

"When you step in shit, you know it's shit. Why would you keep stomping in it?"
- Daddy Paul

9 Days Left.

I have spent the entire summer in San Jose, California thanks to my wonderful, insanely blonde insane sister. Now, what do I have to show for it with nine days left? Not a tan, I'll tell you that. My skin is clearer, my chest is chest-ier, my skin is drier.
There's a lot going for me now. I have some money in the bank to buy a car (with some help from my parents...). I have retail experience. I am caught up on many popular sitcoms, I've eaten lime-flavored chips, I'm becoming more aware of American-made goods. I'm becoming a better consumer by knowing how retail really is on the other side of the counter. Not to mention how it feels to have a disposable income (holllllllla). I've maintained/strengthened my relationship with my significant other! Hell, I'm feeling more like a grown-up y'all! Pardon the "y'all," but I've been watching a lot of Jack McBrayer clips on the internets today.
There's still a lot ahead. Selling Lady, finding a new job, eventually moving to Tennessee. When I come home, a lot of things are going to change, but I'm looking forward to the fall and a whole new set of experiences. I refuse to get stuck. I feel like I haven't had time to feel a sense of freedom in a long time, but I'm getting back to it. Here's to the future and the DIY ahead!

S'laters!

Parenthood

“You can’t go through life letting your pain dictate how you behave. It’s easy to sit in your room and wallow in self-pity. It’s easy to act out of revenge or spite or to get even. What’s hard is rising above it.”
-Adam Braverman

Well, I'll say!

!