Bored of it.

I'm so bored with school now. I have no motivation to do work. I've never really had struggles getting in that aspect before. Getting good grades doesn't seem like enough to entice me to do anything for school anymore. My classes don't really enforce anything, yet when they demand anything from me, it's not quality at all. I'm going to blame senioritis and many, many years of being so proactive about the education system that it's finally slowed down. I feel like I'm starting to feel the malaise of so many of my peers that I've never fully understood before. How do you guys deal with it?

I hope I can get my ass in gear before it has any serious adverse effects...

Meow.

Like I'm Made Of Glass

I LOVE Demi Lovato. I really, really do. She's such a force. I love her even more now because she is such a role model for girls. She's real, she has been through shit (real shit) but had the courage and strength to say, "Yes, I have a problem" and dealt with it in such a mature, reasonable manner. Uh, love love lovato. That's just partly why I love her though. I don't want to get too involved at the moment, ha.

And props to the guys who wrote it too, so effing great.

I want this to be constantly playing to inspire me.

Things seem to be falling into place for me. Not to say that things are perfect or anything, but the stars are aligning somehow so that I'm not a lone island trying to do it all alone. There are people on my side, helping shape my vision of what should be happening. Refocusing, taking a breath, and getting it done- well, planned.

"I hope that one day you will have the experience of doing something you do not understand for someone you love."
— Jonathan Safran Foer (Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close)

I forgot how much I love this song.

Creak.

What have I done?

Today is Fresh.

I'm having a really good day. Why? Nothing in particular, I just feel good, you know?

It's not a perfect day, some adjustments, some things like strange bugs in the apartment, but it's good.
It's got to be this weather.

SWEATERS!!

Rocks and Hard Places

Yesterday I saw a sign on a church that read, "Move the rock next to the hard places." I thought it was interesting and a bit dumb, but it really is a matter of DIY. As much as there are plenty of things out of your control, we have a big say in a lot. It's a matter of taking the responsibilities that come with it.

Maybe I was too hasty today. Perhaps stubborn. Or right on target. We'll have to see.
I'm not used to being wrong or making rash decisions (thanks Annika) but part of me was tired of the same conversation already. Over and over. I didn't and don't want to, it's boring. Now, I was hasty in the respect that I should have taken a moment and not been so "efficient" but at the same time, I'd rather get things like contacting people over with similar to the practice of ripping of a bandaid. Quick and simple.

But then again, nothing is ever simple.

The Windshield Wipers.

"There is a darkness deep in you/A frightening magic I cling to"

I swear while we were speeding down those dark country roads, we were trying to hold on to something.

I tried to speak, the words stuck behind my lips like a dark molasses or sea foam.

They wouldn't come together, would not form proper words.

My mind kept running back to a book I read long ago, "...And in that moment, I swear we were infinite."

Infinite. Infinite.

As the white line to the right raced on, every inch blurring with the next, I wondered what we were passing by.

Sleepy country folks with old dogs, their heads laying cushioned on soft sheets. The strange glow from hundreds of televisions lighting up the faces of small children. The lowly electrical tower boxed in by fences and rusted metal signs.

Before, when the sun was shining and the waves hitting the dock was the only sound we could hear I felt I was missing something.

Not the ring on my finger to keep my anxious hands satisfied, but something I couldn't put my finger on.

You were holding back.

I've felt this before and curiosity posed the question in my head. But I resisted.

As the highways signs drifted again and again, the questions returned.

Holding my knees, having a conversation with myself, with god, and simply thinking,

I sung out the words so that I could feel them.

Because here we are.

And I hope that my hand on yours is enough.

Sunlight Through The Shutters

"With some, I hug to the right, rather than going typical left. We call it heart-to-heart and we do it without question."

JM

Perspective

the capacity to view things in their true relations or relative importance.

It's good that I got some of my negative feelings out yesterday. I'm not back in top form, but I was able to talk about myself today without being overwhelmed or spastic. I felt halfway normal. Talking with people like Joe and Rachel about our different groups and what we expect and what's good, made me feel so much calmer. I'm not losing my head entirely. Positive articulation. That's what it comes down to. Today will be better because I choose to let it. And I choose to not worry about everything today. Not today.

S'laters.

I Just Want To Be Okay, Be Okay, Be Okay

This is what I did today to cheer myself up.

I watched a few videos from Sesame Street and Blue's Clues. Sometimes I need to remind myself that that is what I really want to do. Eventually, I imagine myself writing a book about the history of children's television from an artistic perspective. I can't wait for the days that I can research and interview people like Brian Henson and Steve Burns.

I'm not having a good week. In reality, I haven't had a very good start to the semester. I've been very stressed out, upset, and sick. I haven't felt like myself. I've already skipped a class. I want to take on the world but I can't do it on my own anymore. It's far too much to ask of me when I'm trying to build something else for myself, me. I'm starting groups and doing things that have more direction to where I want to go in my life and I'm so tired of doing bullshit things like making sure the posters are up by a certain time. I'm angry and have no motivation to do anything, including my thesis which is only my "foster baby" of the next year. I'm sick of things not getting done, that aren't my fault and then getting all the blame. I guess that's upper management. I don't like knowing things could be done more if I could get my head on straight, but I can't seem to. I am swimming, swimming. I don't like feeling like I'm doing a poor job. It's not Britta. It's not. I hate, hate not living up to expectations, especially my own.

I'm constantly letting myself down and I don't know how to stop it.
I heard this song today, and almost started crying. I actually heard the phrase "It's going to be alright," several times today so I'm hoping it's a sign that it will be. I simply need to be patient.

21

I'm now 21 years old. I don't feel that old but that may be because I don't pay for rent or have a real job or anything like that. I have a lot of responsibilities but none are altogether critical.
I know I've been complaining a lot, and it drives me insane, so I know it's been driving my friends crazy too. Sorry about that... Because I've been feeling ill, I haven't been my normal self. Or maybe it's senioritis or maybe I'm just tired of people's bullshit. It's a toss-up really.
I did have a great weekend, and there is SO MUCH to be grateful for. Mainly, the beautiful people that make me feel like I'm doing something worthwhile, even if it's just watching a silly roco in my living room.
I'm also pretty convinced that I'm sick because of mold spores in our air vents. All three of us are sick and it might be affecting Jacob as well. NOT OKAY. Mold freaks me out as it is.

I would like to get back to my normal self and take on the world full-force. K?Thanx!! XOXO

Did you know monumentous is not a real word? As in dictionary-wise? Crazy.

Much Longer Post To Come.

In honor of my 21st year, and the fact that I am doing a presentation on Baudelaire Tuesday, I give you...

You have to be always drunk. That's all there is to it—it's the only way. So as not to feel the horrible burden of time that breaks your back and bends you to the earth, you have to be continually drunk.

But on what? Wine, poetry or virtue, as you wish. But be drunk.

-Charles Baudelaire

"Be Drunk"

I choose to be drunk on good friends, milky ways, and virgin margarita's.