You were right. I'm going to have to open up to someone. It's not like I don't try. I think it's what makes me so awkward sometimes because I feel compelled to tell people parts of my story at strange times. Maybe to make me feel like it's not so deep or serious. I only hope that I tell people who might feel it is strange but realize that I think they are important enough to me, or trustworthy, for me to divulge.

After reading a lot of bell hooks today, watching half Nelson, and thinking about makayla's situation, I keep thinking about how I ended up where I am. Growing up in the neighborhoods that I did and being where I am now is pretty amazing. I'm not saying that I grew up in really terrible situations or anything. But I feel really thankful to grow up knowing how to be poor and also knowing that I can always make it work. Things could have turned out so differently. I'm glad I am where I've ended up.

I can feel myself outgrow this place. Like when you realize that your sweater is becoming a bit too short and there's that half-inch of skin showing.

Art Historical B.S.

Sometimes I think my major is a big joke. But only when I have to read the assigned books. "Indeed, visuality visualizes conflict." come on guys. They choose asked and just mess around with it for a few pages until the reader is both confused and mentally asleep. How do these books teach me anything? Maybe I'm being thick-headed, but some of these books really annoy me.

The Butterflies' return

I know things got weird after I sent you that letter because I was bored and didn't know any better. But after three years, and seeing you in a corner restaurant while I ordered chicken and not the beef, I realize that I'm always going to think of you in those specific moments. Playing guitar, that video you made with sailboats above you that lasted ten minutes in absolute silence until you laughed, me dancing in your street, and finding all of those fire ants in your car. I mainly remember the music. We may not have been much of anything, but at least there is an awesome soundtrack to go with it.

Trust Your Doodles.

I'm drifting already. Stop. Stop. I want it to stop before it even begins.

Nina was telling me about how scientist are working on studying "will" and that there is an actual, physical muscle responsible for will. She said that it actually does wear down until you don't have any more will power pertaining to specific things. Like, if I actively use that muscle on one thing over and over again, it is very likely to break down and stop functioning.

I think my school work aspect of that muscle might be exhausted.

But seriously, I think it's really interesting and I wonder how much of that is related to addiction and how much of it is just people not trying. Curious.

I've realized that I've gotten pretty horrible at talking to people, in general. I'm not saying I've ever been the best at verbally expressing myself or not being awkward, but it seems my condition has reached a new high, or low? See, I don't even know what I'm talking about and I'm basically talking to myself here. Whatthecrap. It's with people I've know for a while too! Like Connor and Gray. I started talking to them and my brain basically went on holiday, nothing came out right. I'm kind of rude too without meaning to be... oh man. Also, I make strange eye contact mainly with strangers. I don't know what is appropriate anymore. There's also this strange thing that happens now too. My face starts getting really warm. I guess it's blushing, but I have no reason to blush at all. I ran into an acquaintance earlier and chatted to him and I couldn't help but feel my face get hot. It has nothing to do with attraction or anything either, because my acquaintance is gay, so that really doesn't make sense, you know? What is wrong with me. I'm so silly.

But anyway...

First day back, not so bad. I just wish I could get my head on straight.

P.S. Going to Walmart at 9 on a Monday is a strange experience. I'll stick to going at 2AM.

And Then I Found God In The Details.

I am currently accumulating journal articles, sources, and book titles for my thesis. Although, I've done little to nothing over this break because I am a fool, I feel not-so-bad about it. I'm in the right mind set now. I've organized and prepared myself for this semester in all other areas. Hell, I've had my outfit for the first day of school all ready for days. My room, bathroom, hallway, kitchen, etc, are all set for a crazy-ass semester. All systems are go, except my limited efforts with my thesis. It's going to be great though. I'm finding more things now related to my old thesis concept. Yahoo! This semester ain't going to be that bad, my friends. This week might be pretty shaky as I try to write some decent pages by Wednesday/Thursday, but it'll be okay in the end. I can feel it. And if not, I'm going to give it one hell of a run this semester. Cross my heart. I'm not taking failure from myself, a lot more study time though!! Haha!

I did start to feel anxious today, but then just wrote and searched and things started to feel okay. Sometimes it's just a matter of taking a break from one life to make this one worth finishing, you know?

I'm looking forward to so much and so much of nothing too. In my future I see a lot of Netflix, certificate degrees, a television show with my name attached to it, and a crappy part-time job that I'll love to drudge through. All in a matter of time.

Keepin' it fresh 2012.

Sometimes I really miss Lady.

SHUT YOUR MOUTH.

John Krasiniski, stop being so damn adorable. Okay, go ahead... I don't mind really.

Ok, go.

The sound quality of this live set isn't all that great, but I dig this song so much plus, you get to see how they are on stage. I want to see that in person though!!

YES MAN.

“Take the stupidest thing you've ever done. At least it's done. It's over. It's gone. We can all learn from our mistakes and heal and move on. But it's harder to learn or heal or move on from something that hasn't happened; something we don't know and is therefore indefinable; something which could very easily have been the best thing in our lives, if only we'd taken the plunge, if only we'd held our breath and stood up and done it, if only we'd said yes.”
― Danny Wallace, Yes Man