Bahhh

I need to chill out. By all the junk I'm doing in the next two days, I hope this will happen. Until then... AHHHHHHH! Just ignore any REALLY hectic behavior from me in the next few days (and complaints). Mmmkay!

Good news, books of adam updated today. I'm about to laugh like a loon in a public space. Holla.

Sitcom Narration

It's a relatively new addition to the sitcom rundown to have a narration. I'm not sure when it started but it grew in popularity after Scrubs. Last night, I started narrating parts of what was happening.
It's interesting how surreal life can be. How you've known someone for 12 years and you can still see something new within them. It's surreal in the sense that you find yourself acting without consciousness and finding you are pleased with the person you are. Eschewing pride and doing the right thing can be difficult but when someone is in danger, whether they know it or not, it is hard but has to be done. I'm not afraid anymore. It's not about who is mad at whom or if the person absolutely cannot stand you, people need to be taken care of. One way or the other. When the "Can I kiss you?" guy came this year for week of welcome, I realized how scared I actually am. Of all sorts of things. Fear is necessary to a certain extent, but that's no reason for it to consume you.

"Things will happen in your life that you can't stop. But that's no reason to shut out the world."

We're good people. Maybe not in every realm of life, but we are. We may not able to see it always, but it's there. When people see our flaws and point them out, it's as if our worst fears have been realized. We're found out. Book us now, hand cuff us and take us away. Then again, I think only god can judge us and by my account, he/she is understanding. I have a lot to care about and there's only so much one person can do. It's not fair to assess when you have such slim information.

I've been looking at my life recently, and seeing what I want more of and can do without. I'm going to stick to my commitments, although some are wearing thin, but that's what I have to do. If there's one thing I learned from my father, it's loyalty. No matter what. I'm not a champion at it, but I'm getting better.

P.S. I'm excited about this adventure. Can I keep you?

My inner monologue running around in my head trying to keep track of it all, knowing full well that all it need to do is "Trust your heart, and then you'll know how to live."

Work, Work, Crash.

Listen to this GREEN album. It's really interesting!

I feel like I'm not doing enough for CAB and it's really frustrated considering it's sucking out my soul. Yesterday, Tori came in to the apartment and told us that she was taking herself out of the Student Ambassadors because it wasn't doing anything for her anymore (paraphrased). I'm pretty jealous. As much as I do love CAB, I think I'm growing out of it. I'm tired of the bs I have to deal with and the assumption that I'm some kind of joke. I don't like how I'm getting into spats with people. I've learned skills that are going to help me now, but I feel the skill I've acquired most is dealing with other people being bratty. I hope I don't feel this way once we have the exec board rolling. So far, everyone seems enthusiastic (a bit nervous, but enthusiastic).

I'm excited about art club even though we haven't done anything. I talked to Michael and Elissa about it some today and they gave me such positive feedback. I'm convinced that I have the best professors ever.

Well, more complaining to come...

Back to Bid'ness

My classes start tomorrow. It's really strange that this could be my last first day of school unless I decide to go to grad school. Oh gawd. After 15 years of education, I still get excited about getting school supplies and meeting other new students. Those inevitable traditions, I just love.

I'm really glad Week of Welcome is over. It's so stressful especially when our organization is being completely restructured and we don't have solid members to rely on. I'm optimistic about this year even if I'm also intensely nervous. I have my work cut out for me. Self-confidence cannot falter this year. Speaking of which, I might add an improv class. Mainly for fun, but also to get better. I get all psyched out, even when it's not serious at all, aka never.
I'm getting nervous about my self too. Why? Well, I've almost lost control of my anger twice in the last 3 days and I'm kind of scared that I'm really going to lose it and do something stupid.

I'm enjoying the small things I'm doing in my spare time like watching Britcoms on hulu, looking up food on foodgawker, even my large amounts of sudoku. I feel like these are small things that I can immerse myself in for about thirty minutes without any guilt of "I should be doing something else." It's good. I'm digging it.

I don't feel comfortable posting pictures of us on facebook yet but I think that one here is totally acceptable.

Don't make stress, Makepeace.

MAN.
What a day so far.
Firstly, I'm am unbelievably thankful for my friends. I have some top-notch ones. Honestly, you guys are beyond swell. The enthusiasm and chillness, really helped me out today. During events/life, I can get really caught up and more-than-normal spastic but when other people are less frenzied around me, it's so much easier. Especially when the conditions weren't the best (heat, dumb people, etc.), still kept up being excited and just so easy to work with. Uh, I'm gushing.
Secondly, I got to hang out with the band and talk about whatever. They are so nice and so fantastic. I wish they could have stayed to hang out tonight.
I hate to admit it though, I'm still pretty peeved about the spat I had earlier. I really, really can't stand it when people try to tell me how to run things when they have no idea what the situation is. I was asking a favor. It's really hard for me to maintain respect for someone who takes an obviously stressful day and makes it even harder. I feel like she could have taken another approach or like I told her, waited. Talk to me about it later when I'm not in the middle of an event running around making sure everything is running smoothly. Thank you. It's really strange to be approached with a confrontation when it's so unexpected like that. At first I didn't really believe it, I started to get a bit feisty but kept in mind that this was a professional co-worker and I don't like showing/feeling that side of me often. Sorry, I'm not a fault. I was simply asking a favor. Thankfully, Tom talked to her a bit but I feel like it's going to be really awkward to be around her. Then again, she no longer works in this building so whatever.
I want to just shake this off. Once I get a little rest time, I'll be gooood.
We're hanging out with Jeff, Jessica, and Lin. I like them so much. Always entertaining! :D
Also, I've been wearing wet clothes all day, yet I've changed 3 times. WHAT.

Mama don't preach

"It's okay. Everything is going to be alright. Eat a popsicle. All your troubles will just melt away."
- Paul H. Gervais
August 2, 2011

I'm not allowed to screw up. If I do, the world flips upside down in a hyper-dramatic uproar. No wonder I'm such a mess. It's really hard to be understanding and sympathetic when someone trys to make you feel guilty about any tiny hiccup.

And, I'm not sorry. I only said it to shut you up. Temporarily anyway.

I forgot. I don't care about you. It's good to remember every so often.

I don't want to talk to Tom tomorrow. Blergh.



This is good for me. The more and more it happens, the more and more I'm digging it. I call this progress.

Lack of Momentum

I've gone through a small stack of work in the last hour and a half, but now I'm losing motivation to go through anything. It sort of feels like I'm drowning in the little details that I have to remember for later. I'm also trying to make sure I have things to give my new exec board but I have to assign people to them still. I don't even know the official positions Tom and I agreed on... we redid them so many times.
All of my notebooks have about 800 notes in them. Oh geez.

Luckily, the library is open until 8. Lunch, FRIENDS, and reading through more of these magazines before I come back here and dig through these stacks of paper again. I wish I could make my office portable... that would be awesome.

I love what I do. I love what I do. I love what I do. I love what I do. [Repeat]

Relax?

I do not know how to relax properly.

I do feel like I haven't really had a day to myself to do the things I would prefer to do. This is not to say I'm not enjoying being home. I'm constantly surrounded by people that lurve me and enjoy my company. But I keep getting into strange moods, which I blame on the fluctuating weather patterns because they make me have headaches. I don't ever feel like doing CAB shit even though I really, really should. I have three days this week with limited distractions around before my meeting with Tom. I think I'm going to have to take some of the giant box of things and go to my beloved library and go through it all. This includes the egregious amount of emails that I have piled up in the last few days. I believe that part of the reason that I can't fully relax in my house is because it's such a mess. I don't mind some areas being messy or unfinished or cluttered but in this house it's everywhere for no reason. Everything is half-done. I can't handle it. Luckily, we have air conditioning upstairs again so I can at least clean the bathroom and make kate/robin's old rooms look like nice guest beds instead of large places to collect dust and clutter. I must keep in mind that I don't have to do everything, something I'm not very good at remembering. I can hardly sit still when I'm watching a movie, like I need to be doing something, anything else.

On another ramble, I'm feeling upset about my doctor's appointment. After all that I went through, I really didn't expect to end up with no options. I put a lot of stock into some solution after all of the pain and discomfort I have to deal with regularly. I really try not to complain about it, but it does make me upset and worried. I figured there would be some sort of something that I could do.

Word vomit. Blergh.

You know what is a funny word? Infirm. I don't know why I think it's so great, but it really is.

Rocks and other hard places

In case you were wondering, I have no idea what I'm doing.
If I'm supposed to be following my instincts, it doesn't seem to be there in a consistent manner.
Logic? Reason? Same deal. I don't know.

I'm going to have to go with the idea that I'm not supposed to. Maybe I'll screw things up, maybe I won't. Maybe it's not up to me.